I sit here tonight after my first weekend in my new apartment, and feel more at peace than I have in quite a while. Which I find amazing simply because I've always been one to hate change. Today I have come to the conclusion that change is healthy, and often a needed step in this adventure called life.
In the last chapter of my life, things happened that I never expected. Some were good, and some were not. The last 4 months of that chapter were the worst months of my adult life. I will spare you details, but I will say I learned things I could not have any other way. So they were not a waste, and I don't regret it all. I think hindsight always gives us a twinge of, "What was I thinking?" but what's done is done. I can't rewind.
I sit and think of the vastness of God, and how He knew how it would all go down. Some might venture to say the enemy had a hand in it all, and while there may be a snippit of truth to that, I do believe that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING came down the way God intended. God knew that on March 15, 2009 I would be in this apartment.
He also knows it will take me a while to process it all. So, I will take a moment and thank you, my readers, for reading as I process all this through. I find that writing is a good outlet, and of course I won't share anything too deep.
I do think God has set all this up. I also believe that 10 years from now, this stage of my life will seem like a lifetime ago, and the hurt and pain that I am processing will seem insignificant compared to the marvelous things God has for me in the future.
I think about in Scripture it says that God will give me more than I can ever think or imagine. I sit here and love that simply because I know that God is going to use all of this in my future, and I will be in awe because God will give me more than I ever dreamed possible. That gives me hope. As a single gal, I wrestle with hope. I honestly do. Hope is hard because you wait and wait and wait, and sometimes you just don't see things that you hoped they would turn out to be. I cling to Romans 5:3-5 that states that Hope does disappoint. That suffering produces preserverance, perserverance, character, and character, hope. God knew I would be here, and knew I would be clinging to that. I am blessed for that.
I read a quote today on a friend's myspace page that said something like, "Sometimes strength means hanging in there for love and sometimes it takes just as much strength to walk away and move on." That's where I'm at. I walked away, now I'm moving on.
"Suffering produces perserverance, perserverance, character, and character hope."
Amen.
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The providence of God is a tough thing to figure out, and I don't even bother to try any more. Can I point to an event in my life and say it was God? Not for certain. Can I say an event was not from God? Not for certain. Can I trust that he brings about all things for good? Yes. Does that mean I don't have free will? No. Does is rain on the good and the evil? Yes. Do good things happen to bad people? Yes. Vice versa? Yes.
I'm on the ride, but I can't figure out how it works; I don't think I'm supposed to. I just trust that it will end well for me. Tomorrow, someone may run out in front of my car and change my life. It may not be God's intervention, but I am convinced that He can help me deal with it.
Joseph of the Old Testament believed that God's providence (not a miracle) is the thing that caused him to be sold into slavery and rise to a high position in Egypt. He knew that, though his brothers intended him harm, as long as he was a righteous man of God, God would continue to bring everything together for good.
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