Transparency

Have you ever been embarrassed about something that simply wasn't a big deal to anyone else, but it mattered to you? That happened to me today, and while I have tried to pretend it isn't a big deal, I've noticed I'm different tonight. Normally when I'm like this, I don't post, as I focus on the POSITIVE, but since this is just bein' real, and does have a positive ending I decided to type it out tonight.

This afternoon it started raining. I mean, really raining. Not just sprinkles. Raining. I was SO EXCITED to hear the raindrops at school. Seriously excited! I have missed the "ping" on the window and rooftops as rain has poured on us. Today that finally happened. I was excited. (And, honestly, still am.)

I also knew this would mean I would be holding an umbrella as I helped kids into cars at Car Rider duty. I have done car rider duty before, but not since my toe/foot difficulties. This year I have been assigned Car Rider duty after school every day. Each day it goes fine, even though the toe does hurt more afterward. *grin* Honestly, I'm also tired physically at the end of the day, and am really stiff when I walk. (You probably see where this is all going.)

So, I went out with an umbrella, put cones out, and was ready to escort kids to their cars. The challenge at this point in the year is that we don't know cars to kids. Meaning a red car doesn't mean anything to us yet. It will, but we're all learning (as a staff outside on duty) which car goes to which kid, and vice versa. *grin*

We started out, and I realized something, I WALK REALLY SLOWLY compared to kids. Is this new to me? No, I'm always the slowest out at camp (it seems). But, today I was slow, kids were getting wet, and I was embarrassed.

It also didn't help that it was windy and the umbrella I borrowed was a fight for me with my balance. The kids did really well with me though. No one said a word that hurt my feelings or anything like that.

I will admit though, about halfway through it, I wanted to quit. My toe hurt, my leg was stiff, and balance was TOUGH. Not to mention kids were beating me to their cars. I wondered what the point of it all was for me to be out there. They could probably run to their cars faster and be less wet than trying to walk with me out there. That inner dialogue was eating me up. On top of all that, I was wet. In jeans. Need I say more? *grin* (The title of this post was Transparency, so you're getting the real deal tonight.)

I didn't quit though, I kept at it, which is typical for me. For me to quit something is rare. Extremely rare. I also knew everything I said above, I was tired, my legs were stiff, my toe hurt, and the wind was making balance a character-building task.

I went in the building, packed up, and came home. I was done.

Tonight I have read my book (or tried to in between Jay being in my face for attention) and have really been in a rough mood. Even Jay has noticed. Poor kid, it's not his fault I was embarrassed by my slow walk and challenges at Car Rider Duty.

Then it happened. The thing that ALWAYS brings my perspective back into balance. I turned off the TV, and listened to music. (And the rain hitting the windows!) I turned on Cory Asbury's "All is for Your Glory." (Note: Cory didn't write it, but he led it at Onething 2011) If you haven't heard it, you should, as it is quite an inspiring song to walk out life this side of Heaven.

My favorite phrase is:
Catch me up in Your Story
All my life for Your glory
My God My Joy, my Delight

SO PUT ME ANYWHERE
JUST PUT YOUR GLORY IN ME
AND I'LL SERVE ANYWHERE
JUST LET ME SEE YOUR BEAUTY OH, GOD

That last part got me tonight.

I'm supposed to be at Car Rider Duty. I'm supposed to be walking like I do. I'm supposed to be doing my best, even if it's slow. That's where He wants me to be. I told Him I'd serve anywhere, and that includes Car Rider Duty. *grin*

By the way, that song has been on repeat for a while now. Apparently God has more to show me in that. I love that.

Three-day weekend, rain, and a good book.

*grin*
LIFE.
IS.
AWESOME.